HOW TO TALK TO YOUR CHILD ABOUT VIOLENCE, TERRORISM AND WAR ?

In the current scenario, where the heinous acts of terrorism, violence and war make headlines in media--the pertinent question remains: how to talk to your kids about these sensitively?

The recent mob lynching case, Kashmir violence, War in Syria - parents are often in a fix while trying to explain to their children about the gory acts of terror and violence. Violence, war, terrorism etc. freezes parents when a child asks them about it. Media both print and digital are sensationalizing war and terrorism. Parents don’t want to expose their children to the unpleasantness of war and thus, normally take two routes – i.e. ignore their questions and/or not letting them read about / watch these events.

Many times children ask a lot of questions from their parents which may place parents at a loss of words to answer. Questions about violence, terrorism, war, religious intolerance etc are some of the hardest to answer. There can be two situations in such a scenario, one that sometimes parents themselves don’t understand it and two even though the parents understand it in their own way they are not sure if, when and how much information to give to their children. The other pertinent questions going through their head could be whether to share their personal beliefs or not; how to make children feel safe in a world that’s constantly feeling threatened and vulnerable or how to share age-appropriate information etc.

Let your child express

The present time is an anxious time for adults as well as children with news channels and newspapers/magazines flooded with reports on all kinds of violence, war and terrorism. In such a scenario, it is very important for the parents to listen to their child and ask about the child’s feelings and what he/she is thinking about the whole incident. First get them to express themselves and don’t analyze or process what the child is feeling. Get them to open up. Next, acknowledge the child for sharing. Very young children (up to 8-9 year old) may get confused when they hear some people are against the war and some people support it. They do not yet understand the politics and fanaticism behind wars and may also get puzzled by links between religion and a war. On the other hand children in elementary school and high school (age 10 and above) may feel a need to take a stand or action. They may be interested in knowing more about the situation and may also wish to be involved in charitable activities related to the violent acts. It can also be the case that children don’t have anything to share about.

How to make your kid to share

Every child is not necessarily comfortable talking about the incidents. Many a times, kids may end up internalizing what they have been exposed to. Parents may feel tempted to ignore discussing such topics or to watch news on a current event with their children in order to protect them from unpleasant realities but it may not be an option with older children who are already exposed to all kinds of news from T.V., school or after chatting with friends etc. With children it is healthy to discuss with them about their fears and let them share their feelings because watching media coverage with violence especially repeated telecast may be stressful for children even when it is not affecting them directly. Here’s what they can do:

1)      Parents can also help children not to generalize their opinions about a whole group of people or an entire religion. They need to emphasize on the fact that such acts of violence and terrorism are caused by very specific people for their own personal interests rather than interests of humanity as a whole. These are the people who use aggressive means to satisfy their wants. Also these can be great teaching moments for parents to discuss about family issues and build something great about the family like discussing about a previous fight within the family and coping skills to resolve the same. Anything can be resolved and worked out if people communicate their intentions clearly.

2)      Such events can prove to be a perfect opportunity for parents to encourage their children to empathize. It will give them a chance to reflect upon their roles as a family in the society. Encourage children to express their support and concern for victims of such events. For example participating in charitable activities, lighting candles for people who have lost their lives, praying together, donating pocket money in school’s fund raising activities, disaster management etc.

3)      There are no easy answers to the questions children may ask in such a scenario and sometimes a parent may also want to grieve if a loved one’s life is lost due to an act of violence.It is better to grieve as a family than to hide or suppress feelings. This promotes healthy coping skills. Reassure to your children that you love them and that they are safe and secure.

4)      Acts of violence can also be an opportunity to discuss the issues of aggression, anger, impatience, pride and also peaceful and non violent ways to deal with a situation.  Expose children to nonviolent role models in history like Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr, and Nelson Mandela etc. It is equally important to model tolerance and be accepting and understanding of others' opinions when discussing the roots of violence and war as misunderstandings, differences in religion and culture, intolerance, religious fanaticism etc. Also, this is an opportunity for parents to discuss and reflect about intolerance happening in the child’s life and their own life like fights happening in school, bullying, neighbors fighting, people breaking traffic rules on the road etc. This can make them both reflect about his/her own life and his/her ways of dealing with such issues.

Although sometimes these topics may be difficult to discuss with children, these conversations are extremely important to understand the child’s feelings. They give parents an opportunity to help their children understand the world in which they live and to reaffirm their love. Do not worry about questions for which you don’t have an answer, instead of ignoring it just wondering aloud and reflecting with your child about such matters forms a deep connection in the long run. Also, as parents what is most important is to concentrate on the child’s feelings and getting them to express themselves.

Always remember and share with your children that for every person involved in terrorism or war there are a few thousands wanting to spread peace. For every ‘bad’ person there are a few thousand ‘good’ people in the world.

HANDLING DEMANDS OF CHILDREN

Am I a bad parent if I don’t fulfill my child’s demands? Will my child ever stop demanding? Do all children demand stuff from their parents all the time? What kind of demands is justified and what shouldn’t be fulfilled for children? These and many more such questions abound the parent’s minds these days. Many parents surrender to children’s demands with a good intention of love and care for their child but in reality it is not always helping their child in his/her growth for life. Sometimes parents feel guilty of working for long hours and then compensate by fulfilling their child’s every demand and sometimes they bribe their children with gifts in order to get them to do their homework or studies. Many parents, who feel that they had been denied of certain luxuries in their childhood, want to fulfill their child’s every need so that their child doesn’t feel left out or unloved. All this is done with good intentions without realizing the impact it can have on the child. This instant gratification of having their demands fulfilled can send wrong messages to children about how to manage their life in future. For e.g. they may not respect the value of money, they may learn to manipulate to get a yes for everything and many other things. How a parent responds to their child’s requests and demands teaches the child some important life skills like communication, empathy, respect and money management.  Although saying no can be tough sometimes but it can be an important lesson for children to ensure they are prepared for life when they grow up and have to fend for themselves.

Parents can respond constructively to their children by taking some time to think about the following points whenever their child puts across a demand:

1.      First of all listen in a non-judgmental way and see where the demands are coming from. Is it a legitimate demand or is it whims and fancies. Whatever the demands be, refrain from using physical force and focus on building connect by having an open conversation.

2.      Sometimes tantrums and demands are not consciously willful but indicate a deep need of the child. Maybe the child is overwhelmed with emotion due to something that happened with his/her friends or it can be any other reason. Demanding constantly may be a way to unleash his unmet need. The idea is to make the child unlearn this behavior by talking to him about his feelings and establishing connect.

3.      Be honest and truthful with your child. If the child demands of an expensive thing like a mobile phone which you can’t afford then tell the child calmly about your financial affordability rather than putting yourself under pressure to please them. Children’s understanding of such matters can far exceed our expectations if we treat them as responsible beings capable of understanding. Whether you choose to fulfill a demand or not, always give a valid reason to your child without camouflaging it behind a story.

4.      Once you say no, stick to your reason without falling prey to fusillade of questions or tantrums from children. No means no and not maybe.

5.      Lastly, model the behavior you wish to have from your child. Respond in a calm way and in case you feel angry, share your feelings with your child and find a solution together. After all parenting becomes a beautiful journey when there is a two way communication between the parent and the child. This helps in resolving power struggles too.

Remember that, a demanding child provides a parent with a great opportunity to teach.  

Enjoy this beautiful journey of learning with each other. Happy Parenting!

EDUCATING OUR CHILDREN ABOUT SEX

Children start learning about themselves and the world around them from a young age. They are naturally curious about things and are natural explorers too.  So as a parent or a caregiver or as a society at large it becomes our collective responsibility to provide them with a nurturing environment where they can fulfill their curiosity. Now the environment and reality in which we live is not always conducive to our children’s growth. “Sexual Abuse” is a term that we have been hearing and ignoring from past few decades by holding a typical image about it. As parents, we find it difficult to talk about it with our children and ignore its high prevalence in our country. As per the latest data, in India, every second girl child and every third boy child has been “sexually abused”. The sexual offender has an equal probability of being a male or a female. In my experience of working with parents and teachers, sex and sexuality is one of the trickiest topics ever to talk to with children. Let us examine why this is so; firstly the adults themselves are not comfortable with the topic. For most people even uttering the word sex is a taboo and cannot be discussed openly and scientifically. This is in strong contradiction to the fact that all of us have originated from it. Sex is the reason for our existence. Secondly, the fact that the adults themselves have never been talked about sex in a scientific way and this reinforces their beliefs around sex as a taboo subject.

If we dig a little deeper into the meaning of sex education and break the two words sex and education then what do we get?

1. Sex which according to the dictionary means being male or female on the basis of their reproductive functions and another meaning is sexual intercourse.

2. Education, which is the process of receiving or giving systematic instruction, especially at a school or university.

So, sex education means educating about the male and female. To put simply it is body science. Simple isn’t it?

Let’s take the initiative; coach and train our children on ‘sex’ – starting from what is sexual abuse; how they can protect themselves, how not to perpetuate it themselves, about their bodies, how they came into this world, safe sex etc. Let’s create an environment at home where they feel safe to share and ask whatever they want to and not only get the support they are looking for but also get the right answers. If each one of us takes it on for our own children – we would create an entirely new world- A safe world for our children.

You may say this is easier said than done. The question is how do we break the taboo surrounding this subject? If we keep referring back to what exactly sex education means then we can shift our perspective and look at it as it actually is i.e. body science. Just like other types of body sciences that we teach our children for e.g. digestive system, respiratory system, brain science etc. In the same way sex education is also one body science that we need to teach them. Considering the alarming number of crimes committed with children in the name of sexual abuse, it becomes all the more important for all stakeholders (parents, teachers and other care givers) in a child’s life to take the reins in their hands and educate our children scientifically.

A few points to keep in mind:

1.      START EARLY – As a child is born, he/she is a respectful and whole being in his own right. Parents start communicating with their baby right after birth. This communication needs to be respectful and will build on different topics over time. Right from the start a parent must use correct body parts names to the baby. The baby shouldn’t be held naked in front of anybody other than the parent. Form a culture of respect right from the beginning.

2.      TALK ABOUT SEXUAL ABUSE WHEN THE CHILD STARTS GOING OUT – As soon as a child turn 2 or 3, they are enrolled in play schools and other classes. This is the right time to start talking to them about good/bad touch and about child sexual abuse in detail and training them to deal if such a situation arises. Sexual abuse is an epidemic all over the world and we are not doing them any favors by delaying this talk. As soon as the child begins to step out of the house and is on his own the world is his oyster. However this talk doesn’t need to happen on one special occasion but needs to gradually build up as part of routine conversations. Some parents also feel that such talks take away the innocence in a child. To that I would say education never kills innocence. It kills ignorance. Children need the education and correct language to talk about how they feel or what they are experiencing. And giving them sex education is the best way we can protect them from abuse.

3.      SEXUAL ABUSE IS NOT ALWAYS HARSH IN NATURE – Contrary to what we generally hear about sexual abuse, it is not always harsh in nature. It can be as subtle as a gentle but consistent touch on a child’s private parts. A child can be made to believe that nothing wrong is happening and that what is actually abuse appears to them as something which is ‘normal’. The mainstream media which often glorifies intimate scenes that lack consent and portrays women as a being without voice by often objectifying them doesn’t help either. In such a scenario it becomes all the more critical to educate our children about sex and abuse in a timely manner using the correct scientific terms.

4.      IT IS NOT A ONE TIME CONVERSATION – Many parents feel that there is actually a ‘birds and the bees’ talk that can be covered in a chat or two. But sex education is not just about body parts, good touch and bad touch, it’s not just reproduction or pregnancy. It also covers body image, peer pressure, feelings, body changes and many other things. It has to be continuous and regular conversation and no one has to wince and sit down for a serious chat. And once you have talked about the most taboo subject then can their anything be left hidden between you and your child? Think about it. Remember if you don’t talk about sex education to your kids, they will get it from unreliable sources sooner or later because we can’t stop their questions and curiosity about their own bodies.

I have a plea to make to every person reading this article, please don’t hesitate to make an open conversation about this topic, and make everyone aware about this plague of sexual abuse that nobody speaks about. Let’s not raise another child who feels ashamed to exist and blames self because of what happened to her/him which he had absolutely no control over. Let’s create an educated and empowered society together. Shift your context from ‘junk’ or ‘taboo’ to ‘body science’. 

TEACH YOUR KID FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE

“But dad I need more money to go to café coffee day, I cannot concentrate without their coffee”.

“Again? Just yesterday you went there. Too much coffee is not good for you and it costs a lot too”.

Daily this kind of conversation with his15 year old son Aditya left Mr. Sharma in a puzzled state because he couldn’t figure out a way to deal with this situation. He feared that it will impact Aditya’s health and it’s also a waste of money which Aditya did not understand at that moment. This had been going on since last two months in the Sharma household. Mr. Sharma was in a fix. How to make his son Aditya understand the value of money and also the consequences of having daily coffee on his health.  It is important to make children responsible for their own lives and also to teach them to manage their finances independently. But the question arises how do we do that?

On a Sunday winter afternoon Mr Sharma along with his wife Nandini and son Aditya went out for a picnic at Lodhi Garden with their family friends Mr Chopra, his wife Sunita, 6 year old daughter Sara and 13 year old son Ayush. They spread their mat in the garden and sat. The kids got busy in playing badminton and the parents were chit chatting under the sun. Mr Chopra felt that something was bothering his friend and asked him. Mr Sharma discussed about Aditya’s daily coffee habit with him.

To this Mr Chopra said that “Aditya can be given a fixed pocket money to spend on a weekly or monthly basis.Be frank and straight forward in telling about your financial condition to your child. Sharing about finances - earnings, expenses, savings, insurance and your affordability of things creates an open space with the child. Some parents feel like protecting their children from the harsh realities by not sharing with them the financial conditions of the home. The intention here is not wrong but contrary to what many parents may think, children actually understand when we tell them what is affordable and what is not. Accordingly a pocket money amount can be set for the child. I have done this with Sara and Ayush. As a result, Aditya will stop asking for money for his daily coffee at cafe coffee day and also develop a habit of saving”.

“Hmm you are right Chopra, we must try this” said Mr Sharma looking at his wife Nandini.

The kids came running and sat with everybody. “Let’s play a game of monopoly” said Aditya. “Monopoly? What’s that?” asked Sara.

“It’s a game of business. Here look at this board,players move around this board buying or trading properties, developing their properties with houses and hotels, and collecting rent from their opponents. The goal is to drive them all into bankruptcy leaving one monopolist as the winner. He is the one in control of the entire monopoly in the end”.

Everybody started playing the game. Mr Sharma got an idea and said to Mr Chopra that “Board games like monopoly and business are also a fun way to provide financial education to children. Using different investment strategies for growing assets, saving and spending wisely can be taught through such games”.

“Yes and also teach kids the value and power of earning money rather than being entitled to it automatically and getting it freely. For example I encourage Ayush and Sara to help around in the house; help in my professional work also like printing and designing in return for an allowance. Ayush has also started a small business venture; he has opened a library at home. These are great ways to instil the power of earning in them. Children can accompany parents in small acts like withdrawing money from the ATM, depositing money in the bank, making investments etc. Explain to your child that the money in your bank account and in the ATM is earned after working hard. You can even show them your bank statements and teach about deposits and withdrawals. Why to hide such things from our own kids?”

To this Sunita added that “Going shopping with your kids especially for their own shopping teaches them how to save money while comparing prices according to your budget. Comparing quality, price, benefits etc. can be a good starting point”.

“Wow Sunita that’s a brilliant idea. Also I feel that as parents we are an example to our children in how we handle ours and our family’s expenses like paying electricity bills, buying health insurance and other such spending. Involve your child in family finances in day to day life like buying vegetables, stationary, household items etc” said Nandini.

Parents have the best of intentions in their mind when they teach their children about good manners, personal hygiene, maintaining relationships etc. but rarely do they talk about teaching good money habits as they themselves don’t know from where to start. As a result most children grow up into adults who can’t properly manage to save, spend and budget. No one really instilled the value of money until we began to earn. It’s a good idea to start teaching children about money when they are young. Teaching about money habits is more than preparing them for an employment in the future or about savings and investment. It’s about telling them the positive and negative sides of money and to aware them about the commercial and consumerism sides of the world.Financial education for children is an on-going process not a one time event.

So, how do parents start this process?

1.      Start early with savings. Open a savings bank account for your child as soon as he/she is born. Consider depositing all the cash gifts that your child receives in this account to build a solid financial base as he/she grows up.Warren Edward Buffet, the most successful investor in the world, bought his first stock when he was only 11 years old and looking back he wished he had started much earlier.

2.      Piggy banks are a fun way to start introducing children to money. For most of us, first experience with money came in the form of a piggy bank. Filling the piggy bank with money saved from pocket money and monetary/cash gifts makes children to feel a sense of ownership and independence in deciding where to spend that saved money. Parents can expand the notion of piggy bank by creating separate saving, spending and sharing money boxes. Each time the child gets some money from pocket money or cash gifts they can divide it into the three boxes. The spending box is for small routine expenses like buying toffees, chocolates, spending at the school canteen etc. and the savings box is for larger and long term expenses like video game or buying gift for somebody. Use occasions to remind children about sharing with others who are less fortunate from the sharing box. This helps the child in learning to save and creating the idea of money as a finite resource. This simple exercise is a great way to give financial freedom to your child and making him/her understand about financial independence and value of money.