PARENTING DILEMMA 2

Q. Hi I am a mother of twin boys. I am in need of your guidance on how to improve my both sons habit of not listening to what we say; they shout a lot and do not take care of their own stuff. We both parents have to be after them to take care of their own stuff. They are 10 years old. Please help.

First of all it needs to be examined whether this is happening every time you say something to your children or there are specific instances wherein they don’t want to listen. Also, is it that you both parents have to be after them every time to complete their tasks? 

One of our primary roles as a parent is to make our children responsible for their own life and this process needs to start as early as possible because lets accept this one fact of life that we are not going to be with our children in all the circumstances of life and ultimately they have to take the reins of their life in their own hands. So it needs to be examined in what all areas of their life we as parents have to be after them to complete a task and in what all areas they do their tasks on their own. The idea is to become present in what areas we have to put the responsibility back at them. Also, it needs to be checked whether both parents are taking care of their own stuff or not because the way parents lead their life has a great impact on the way children will lead their life. Children will do what we do, they will not do what we say or instruct.

Also, one of the secrets of effective parenting is that good communication starts with you. Good communication means being able to talk/communicate with your child without any yelling or shouting. We are the biggest examples for our children in every little thing that we do. Consequently the way both parents communicate among themselves has an impact on the way children will communicate with their friends, siblings and parents. Another thing to keep in mind is to listen to children with the intent of understanding their feelings. Put yourself in your child’s shoes and really get what they are feeling. Children are longing to be heard and understood especially by their parents.

Also children who feel loved by their parents are more likely to open up their world and also listen in a calm manner. Discuss the problem with them with the intention of finding the solution together. When children have a say then they are more likely to listen and communicate effectively with parents. 

WHY SHOULD CHILDREN BE NATURE FRIENDLY?

Children by their very nature are born happy and healthy but as they grow up and come in contact with their surroundings and environment, a lot of layers start developing around their personality. These layers can be emotional layers of labels such as shy, lazy, naughty, stubborn, obedient etc. which undeniably put them in a box and restrict their growth. However, today, we are going to talk about the other dimension of layer, i.e., the physical aspect and its impact on children’s development as they grow up.  

The world today…

Today, the world around us is becoming apathetic and disconnected from its natural origins. It has failed to realize that humans have a basic dependence on nature for their own growth and development. Nature provides for our basic necessities in daily life, for example, food, water, air, source of energy, resources for shelter and many other things. Many children, especially in urban areas are more involved in playing the latest video game or play station rather than playing outdoors. This is an alarming situation and we must take charge if we want our kids to become adults who care about this planet rather than adults who just care about making money, going about their own business and being enslaved by consumerism to entertain themselves.

It is also true that children today have very few opportunities to engage with nature and outdoor play than the children of the past. Increasing number of crimes has led parents to prevent their children from unstructured unsupervised outdoor plays. Concept of ‘stranger danger’ has restricted many children to loiter freely in their neighbourhoods. Also, various forms of pollutions leading to diseases are leading adults to keep children indoors. While kids do get some exposure to outdoor play when they are in school during recess or organized sports activities but unstructured play and engaging with nature is scarce. Even in school time not all children get exposure to the outdoors in appropriate amounts.

In such a dismaying situation what can parents do to ensure their children are engaged with the natural world? Let us explore.

Parents’ role in making children nature friendly

Today, virtual is replacing the real. TV channels like national geographic and discovery, youtube videos, nature documentaries, magazines etc. are having children believe that nature is something alien… something far-fetched, places they can hope to visit one day. As parents it is our role to make children understand that nature exists in the here and now… in their backyards, in their gardens, in the outside. Outdoor plays and exploring the natural world stimulate all five senses in children and also nurtures their holistic development by stimulating the physical, cognitive, language, emotional and social domains of development. It can also make children more relaxed and focussed. For all parents, I encourage you to find teachable moments in your activities of daily life in order to inculcate a love for nature in children. Following are few suggestions:

1.    It is a great idea to get your children a magnifying glass so that they can get an enhanced view of the flowers, plants, insects, mud, grass etc. and let them explore freely. Encourage them to ask questions even if you don’t have all the answers. You may also get them a pair of binoculars to explore the sky.

2.      Organize frequent outdoor play dates or picnics with parents of other kids so that children can freely play while parents are around to ensure their safety. Such activities are a great way to build strong bonds and learn social skills as well.

3.   Encourage them to take their blocks, dolls, play dough, art materials etc. outdoors. The stuff that children enjoy indoors can take a totally different meaning when taken outdoors, making children more creative in their thinking.

4.   Involve children in outdoor chores such as gardening, washing the car, taking your dog for a walk, sowing seeds in small pots and taking care of them if there is no garden, setting up bird houses for feeding. Such activities are essential for developing practical life skills in children and also a sense of empathy.

5.    We all know that kids love playing with water. It is a sensory activity for them. Let go of your inhibitions about catching infections in a pool of mud water (exceptions accepted) and let children be. Let them splash and explore themselves with water play whether it is a rainy day or not. This can also be a great way to lay foundations for later scientific learning and also about having conversations on water conservation.

The above suggestions are not an exhaustive list but it can serve as an indication to think of more ideas to engage with the natural world.

Last but not the least, be a role model for your children by having a love for nature and outdoors yourself. Children don’t follow what you tell them but they do what you do. So, take the responsibility of inculcating a love for outdoors in your children as this will also go a long way in nurturing a love for the planet earth in them and a passion about protecting the environment. Let them be in wonder and awe of the natural world and get them to start thinking about how their individual efforts affect the world they live in, as well as how little changes can and will make a difference to their own development.

Playing outdoors offers the hope that children will develop the environment values to become the future respectful safeguards of mother earth and protect its natural wonders.

Let us be the pebble in the pond that creates a ripple of change through our children.

Go green. Happy parenting!

PARENTING DILEMMA 1

Q. My son aged six is very self-centered. Even in his school, he does not mix up with other children and in the parent-teachers meeting, he sits alone in the back chair holding his head.

Children in this age are in a development stage where they want everything for themselves. Being self-centered is a normal behavior and children of this age are at this stage.There can be multiple reasons for your child's behavior. For example, something may be bothering him in the home environment, school environment, studies, friends etc. The best way to know the exact reason is to know from your child. This conversation is to be done in 'peace time' which is a time when the child is at peace and relaxed. For example play time, while having a walk in the park, practicing hobbies together etc. This way a rapport can be built first and then the parent can take the communication forward. 

First, communicate with your child about what might be bothering him and listen to him fully without any assumptions or preconceived notions in your mind. Also, share your own concern and feelings with him. The idea is to acknowledge whatever the child says during this conversation. He may cook up a story or tell you the facts but refrain from making any judgments. It may so happen that the child is not opening up in your first few attempts but keep trying and focus on listening and acknowledging his feelings only. This is a very critical step.
Enjoy parenting!

HANDLING DISOBEDIENCE IN CHILDREN

According to the dictionary, ‘disobedient’ means neglecting or refusing to obey. As a part of growing up, almost all the children disobey their parents at some time or the other. They defy the wishes of their parents when they don’t behave or act according to the parents’ will. As children grow they discover their individuality and express themselves.

Disobedience is one way for children to experience and achieve a sense of independence in their life. As they try to become more independent, minor conflicts occur with the parents and that is when they discover the boundaries of their parents’ rules and also their expectations from the child. Sometimes these minor conflicts become a routine and that changes the way parents and children interact in their daily living.

Sometimes, parents may not understand a child’s needs, wishes, and feelings and children should not be so intimidated by parents that they will not or cannot argue their case. Also, the child is not to be so inclined to obey or bow to authority that he/she grows up to be slavish. The issue is not how to command obedience, but rather how to encourage a child and parent to communicate with each other so that they have a win-win situation. 

• First, the parents, themselves, need to determine which of their children’s undesirable behaviors are really important enough to discourage and which other misbehaviors are trivial.
• If the child is persistently disobedient, examine the source of his disobedience. These may include the family environment, how members of the family interact with each other, do the family members show respect to each other, how the family resolves it’s conflicts, is there any violent outbursts in the family, problems occurring in the child’s school etc.
• When your child is obedient and respectful, acknowledge him for that behavior. Also, parents are example for their children and how they interact with them and other members of the family will influence the child’s behavior. He will learn to be respectful if you are respectful toward him and others in the family.
• Co-create consequences with the child to achieve a win-win situation. First empathize with the child to see if something is bothering him/her. Understand the reason of the behavior, acknowledge his feelings and thoughts. Post that have a dialogue on how the situation can be managed in an amicable way – by understanding the consequences of our actions.

HOW TO TALK TO YOUR CHILD ABOUT VIOLENCE, TERRORISM AND WAR ?

In the current scenario, where the heinous acts of terrorism, violence and war make headlines in media--the pertinent question remains: how to talk to your kids about these sensitively?

The recent mob lynching case, Kashmir violence, War in Syria - parents are often in a fix while trying to explain to their children about the gory acts of terror and violence. Violence, war, terrorism etc. freezes parents when a child asks them about it. Media both print and digital are sensationalizing war and terrorism. Parents don’t want to expose their children to the unpleasantness of war and thus, normally take two routes – i.e. ignore their questions and/or not letting them read about / watch these events.

Many times children ask a lot of questions from their parents which may place parents at a loss of words to answer. Questions about violence, terrorism, war, religious intolerance etc are some of the hardest to answer. There can be two situations in such a scenario, one that sometimes parents themselves don’t understand it and two even though the parents understand it in their own way they are not sure if, when and how much information to give to their children. The other pertinent questions going through their head could be whether to share their personal beliefs or not; how to make children feel safe in a world that’s constantly feeling threatened and vulnerable or how to share age-appropriate information etc.

Let your child express

The present time is an anxious time for adults as well as children with news channels and newspapers/magazines flooded with reports on all kinds of violence, war and terrorism. In such a scenario, it is very important for the parents to listen to their child and ask about the child’s feelings and what he/she is thinking about the whole incident. First get them to express themselves and don’t analyze or process what the child is feeling. Get them to open up. Next, acknowledge the child for sharing. Very young children (up to 8-9 year old) may get confused when they hear some people are against the war and some people support it. They do not yet understand the politics and fanaticism behind wars and may also get puzzled by links between religion and a war. On the other hand children in elementary school and high school (age 10 and above) may feel a need to take a stand or action. They may be interested in knowing more about the situation and may also wish to be involved in charitable activities related to the violent acts. It can also be the case that children don’t have anything to share about.

How to make your kid to share

Every child is not necessarily comfortable talking about the incidents. Many a times, kids may end up internalizing what they have been exposed to. Parents may feel tempted to ignore discussing such topics or to watch news on a current event with their children in order to protect them from unpleasant realities but it may not be an option with older children who are already exposed to all kinds of news from T.V., school or after chatting with friends etc. With children it is healthy to discuss with them about their fears and let them share their feelings because watching media coverage with violence especially repeated telecast may be stressful for children even when it is not affecting them directly. Here’s what they can do:

1)      Parents can also help children not to generalize their opinions about a whole group of people or an entire religion. They need to emphasize on the fact that such acts of violence and terrorism are caused by very specific people for their own personal interests rather than interests of humanity as a whole. These are the people who use aggressive means to satisfy their wants. Also these can be great teaching moments for parents to discuss about family issues and build something great about the family like discussing about a previous fight within the family and coping skills to resolve the same. Anything can be resolved and worked out if people communicate their intentions clearly.

2)      Such events can prove to be a perfect opportunity for parents to encourage their children to empathize. It will give them a chance to reflect upon their roles as a family in the society. Encourage children to express their support and concern for victims of such events. For example participating in charitable activities, lighting candles for people who have lost their lives, praying together, donating pocket money in school’s fund raising activities, disaster management etc.

3)      There are no easy answers to the questions children may ask in such a scenario and sometimes a parent may also want to grieve if a loved one’s life is lost due to an act of violence.It is better to grieve as a family than to hide or suppress feelings. This promotes healthy coping skills. Reassure to your children that you love them and that they are safe and secure.

4)      Acts of violence can also be an opportunity to discuss the issues of aggression, anger, impatience, pride and also peaceful and non violent ways to deal with a situation.  Expose children to nonviolent role models in history like Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr, and Nelson Mandela etc. It is equally important to model tolerance and be accepting and understanding of others' opinions when discussing the roots of violence and war as misunderstandings, differences in religion and culture, intolerance, religious fanaticism etc. Also, this is an opportunity for parents to discuss and reflect about intolerance happening in the child’s life and their own life like fights happening in school, bullying, neighbors fighting, people breaking traffic rules on the road etc. This can make them both reflect about his/her own life and his/her ways of dealing with such issues.

Although sometimes these topics may be difficult to discuss with children, these conversations are extremely important to understand the child’s feelings. They give parents an opportunity to help their children understand the world in which they live and to reaffirm their love. Do not worry about questions for which you don’t have an answer, instead of ignoring it just wondering aloud and reflecting with your child about such matters forms a deep connection in the long run. Also, as parents what is most important is to concentrate on the child’s feelings and getting them to express themselves.

Always remember and share with your children that for every person involved in terrorism or war there are a few thousands wanting to spread peace. For every ‘bad’ person there are a few thousand ‘good’ people in the world.

HANDLING DEMANDS OF CHILDREN

Am I a bad parent if I don’t fulfill my child’s demands? Will my child ever stop demanding? Do all children demand stuff from their parents all the time? What kind of demands is justified and what shouldn’t be fulfilled for children? These and many more such questions abound the parent’s minds these days. Many parents surrender to children’s demands with a good intention of love and care for their child but in reality it is not always helping their child in his/her growth for life. Sometimes parents feel guilty of working for long hours and then compensate by fulfilling their child’s every demand and sometimes they bribe their children with gifts in order to get them to do their homework or studies. Many parents, who feel that they had been denied of certain luxuries in their childhood, want to fulfill their child’s every need so that their child doesn’t feel left out or unloved. All this is done with good intentions without realizing the impact it can have on the child. This instant gratification of having their demands fulfilled can send wrong messages to children about how to manage their life in future. For e.g. they may not respect the value of money, they may learn to manipulate to get a yes for everything and many other things. How a parent responds to their child’s requests and demands teaches the child some important life skills like communication, empathy, respect and money management.  Although saying no can be tough sometimes but it can be an important lesson for children to ensure they are prepared for life when they grow up and have to fend for themselves.

Parents can respond constructively to their children by taking some time to think about the following points whenever their child puts across a demand:

1.      First of all listen in a non-judgmental way and see where the demands are coming from. Is it a legitimate demand or is it whims and fancies. Whatever the demands be, refrain from using physical force and focus on building connect by having an open conversation.

2.      Sometimes tantrums and demands are not consciously willful but indicate a deep need of the child. Maybe the child is overwhelmed with emotion due to something that happened with his/her friends or it can be any other reason. Demanding constantly may be a way to unleash his unmet need. The idea is to make the child unlearn this behavior by talking to him about his feelings and establishing connect.

3.      Be honest and truthful with your child. If the child demands of an expensive thing like a mobile phone which you can’t afford then tell the child calmly about your financial affordability rather than putting yourself under pressure to please them. Children’s understanding of such matters can far exceed our expectations if we treat them as responsible beings capable of understanding. Whether you choose to fulfill a demand or not, always give a valid reason to your child without camouflaging it behind a story.

4.      Once you say no, stick to your reason without falling prey to fusillade of questions or tantrums from children. No means no and not maybe.

5.      Lastly, model the behavior you wish to have from your child. Respond in a calm way and in case you feel angry, share your feelings with your child and find a solution together. After all parenting becomes a beautiful journey when there is a two way communication between the parent and the child. This helps in resolving power struggles too.

Remember that, a demanding child provides a parent with a great opportunity to teach.  

Enjoy this beautiful journey of learning with each other. Happy Parenting!

EDUCATING OUR CHILDREN ABOUT SEX

Children start learning about themselves and the world around them from a young age. They are naturally curious about things and are natural explorers too.  So as a parent or a caregiver or as a society at large it becomes our collective responsibility to provide them with a nurturing environment where they can fulfill their curiosity. Now the environment and reality in which we live is not always conducive to our children’s growth. “Sexual Abuse” is a term that we have been hearing and ignoring from past few decades by holding a typical image about it. As parents, we find it difficult to talk about it with our children and ignore its high prevalence in our country. As per the latest data, in India, every second girl child and every third boy child has been “sexually abused”. The sexual offender has an equal probability of being a male or a female. In my experience of working with parents and teachers, sex and sexuality is one of the trickiest topics ever to talk to with children. Let us examine why this is so; firstly the adults themselves are not comfortable with the topic. For most people even uttering the word sex is a taboo and cannot be discussed openly and scientifically. This is in strong contradiction to the fact that all of us have originated from it. Sex is the reason for our existence. Secondly, the fact that the adults themselves have never been talked about sex in a scientific way and this reinforces their beliefs around sex as a taboo subject.

If we dig a little deeper into the meaning of sex education and break the two words sex and education then what do we get?

1. Sex which according to the dictionary means being male or female on the basis of their reproductive functions and another meaning is sexual intercourse.

2. Education, which is the process of receiving or giving systematic instruction, especially at a school or university.

So, sex education means educating about the male and female. To put simply it is body science. Simple isn’t it?

Let’s take the initiative; coach and train our children on ‘sex’ – starting from what is sexual abuse; how they can protect themselves, how not to perpetuate it themselves, about their bodies, how they came into this world, safe sex etc. Let’s create an environment at home where they feel safe to share and ask whatever they want to and not only get the support they are looking for but also get the right answers. If each one of us takes it on for our own children – we would create an entirely new world- A safe world for our children.

You may say this is easier said than done. The question is how do we break the taboo surrounding this subject? If we keep referring back to what exactly sex education means then we can shift our perspective and look at it as it actually is i.e. body science. Just like other types of body sciences that we teach our children for e.g. digestive system, respiratory system, brain science etc. In the same way sex education is also one body science that we need to teach them. Considering the alarming number of crimes committed with children in the name of sexual abuse, it becomes all the more important for all stakeholders (parents, teachers and other care givers) in a child’s life to take the reins in their hands and educate our children scientifically.

A few points to keep in mind:

1.      START EARLY – As a child is born, he/she is a respectful and whole being in his own right. Parents start communicating with their baby right after birth. This communication needs to be respectful and will build on different topics over time. Right from the start a parent must use correct body parts names to the baby. The baby shouldn’t be held naked in front of anybody other than the parent. Form a culture of respect right from the beginning.

2.      TALK ABOUT SEXUAL ABUSE WHEN THE CHILD STARTS GOING OUT – As soon as a child turn 2 or 3, they are enrolled in play schools and other classes. This is the right time to start talking to them about good/bad touch and about child sexual abuse in detail and training them to deal if such a situation arises. Sexual abuse is an epidemic all over the world and we are not doing them any favors by delaying this talk. As soon as the child begins to step out of the house and is on his own the world is his oyster. However this talk doesn’t need to happen on one special occasion but needs to gradually build up as part of routine conversations. Some parents also feel that such talks take away the innocence in a child. To that I would say education never kills innocence. It kills ignorance. Children need the education and correct language to talk about how they feel or what they are experiencing. And giving them sex education is the best way we can protect them from abuse.

3.      SEXUAL ABUSE IS NOT ALWAYS HARSH IN NATURE – Contrary to what we generally hear about sexual abuse, it is not always harsh in nature. It can be as subtle as a gentle but consistent touch on a child’s private parts. A child can be made to believe that nothing wrong is happening and that what is actually abuse appears to them as something which is ‘normal’. The mainstream media which often glorifies intimate scenes that lack consent and portrays women as a being without voice by often objectifying them doesn’t help either. In such a scenario it becomes all the more critical to educate our children about sex and abuse in a timely manner using the correct scientific terms.

4.      IT IS NOT A ONE TIME CONVERSATION – Many parents feel that there is actually a ‘birds and the bees’ talk that can be covered in a chat or two. But sex education is not just about body parts, good touch and bad touch, it’s not just reproduction or pregnancy. It also covers body image, peer pressure, feelings, body changes and many other things. It has to be continuous and regular conversation and no one has to wince and sit down for a serious chat. And once you have talked about the most taboo subject then can their anything be left hidden between you and your child? Think about it. Remember if you don’t talk about sex education to your kids, they will get it from unreliable sources sooner or later because we can’t stop their questions and curiosity about their own bodies.

I have a plea to make to every person reading this article, please don’t hesitate to make an open conversation about this topic, and make everyone aware about this plague of sexual abuse that nobody speaks about. Let’s not raise another child who feels ashamed to exist and blames self because of what happened to her/him which he had absolutely no control over. Let’s create an educated and empowered society together. Shift your context from ‘junk’ or ‘taboo’ to ‘body science’.