PARENTING DILEMMA 1

Q. My son aged six is very self-centered. Even in his school, he does not mix up with other children and in the parent-teachers meeting, he sits alone in the back chair holding his head.

Children in this age are in a development stage where they want everything for themselves. Being self-centered is a normal behavior and children of this age are at this stage.There can be multiple reasons for your child's behavior. For example, something may be bothering him in the home environment, school environment, studies, friends etc. The best way to know the exact reason is to know from your child. This conversation is to be done in 'peace time' which is a time when the child is at peace and relaxed. For example play time, while having a walk in the park, practicing hobbies together etc. This way a rapport can be built first and then the parent can take the communication forward. 

First, communicate with your child about what might be bothering him and listen to him fully without any assumptions or preconceived notions in your mind. Also, share your own concern and feelings with him. The idea is to acknowledge whatever the child says during this conversation. He may cook up a story or tell you the facts but refrain from making any judgments. It may so happen that the child is not opening up in your first few attempts but keep trying and focus on listening and acknowledging his feelings only. This is a very critical step.
Enjoy parenting!

HANDLING DISOBEDIENCE IN CHILDREN

According to the dictionary, ‘disobedient’ means neglecting or refusing to obey. As a part of growing up, almost all the children disobey their parents at some time or the other. They defy the wishes of their parents when they don’t behave or act according to the parents’ will. As children grow they discover their individuality and express themselves.

Disobedience is one way for children to experience and achieve a sense of independence in their life. As they try to become more independent, minor conflicts occur with the parents and that is when they discover the boundaries of their parents’ rules and also their expectations from the child. Sometimes these minor conflicts become a routine and that changes the way parents and children interact in their daily living.

Sometimes, parents may not understand a child’s needs, wishes, and feelings and children should not be so intimidated by parents that they will not or cannot argue their case. Also, the child is not to be so inclined to obey or bow to authority that he/she grows up to be slavish. The issue is not how to command obedience, but rather how to encourage a child and parent to communicate with each other so that they have a win-win situation. 

• First, the parents, themselves, need to determine which of their children’s undesirable behaviors are really important enough to discourage and which other misbehaviors are trivial.
• If the child is persistently disobedient, examine the source of his disobedience. These may include the family environment, how members of the family interact with each other, do the family members show respect to each other, how the family resolves it’s conflicts, is there any violent outbursts in the family, problems occurring in the child’s school etc.
• When your child is obedient and respectful, acknowledge him for that behavior. Also, parents are example for their children and how they interact with them and other members of the family will influence the child’s behavior. He will learn to be respectful if you are respectful toward him and others in the family.
• Co-create consequences with the child to achieve a win-win situation. First empathize with the child to see if something is bothering him/her. Understand the reason of the behavior, acknowledge his feelings and thoughts. Post that have a dialogue on how the situation can be managed in an amicable way – by understanding the consequences of our actions.